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rivers_in_the_desert
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Name: Amy
Gender: Female
Interests: Spending time with friends, shopping-for clothes or for stuff to clutter my already overpacked appartment with(but most of all shoes!), going to tacky street fairs and laughing at all the crazy people I get to see there, playing in the snow and then drinking hot chocolate and curling up under a warm blanket, napping on Sundays, taking pictures of everything I do and everyone I am with at the time, baking (this is not to be confused with cooking-I am good at the sweet stuff, but can't say the same for full meals), reading, traveling (although I don't get to as often as I would like), playing cards (rook and more recently, skipbo and killer bunnies), hanging out with my youth(they keep me young and remind me to not take myself too seriously) and God-He is what holds me and my life together!
Expertise: hmmmm....
Occupation: Admissions Counselor
Message: message me
Member Since:
2/16/2007
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| It is August 2009. I am 31 years old. I live in the same one bedroom apt I moved into when I left college. Although I changed jobs a few years ago, I am still working in an entry level position (although, I have to pause and say this one really doesn't bother me because I love my job). I have still not finished my master's degree...all I left is to finish my thesis and I have no motivation or drive to do so. I am not married. I am not even dating currently. I live in my own little world in small-town USA and most of the time I am fine with it. Every once in a while however, I look up and around and have to ask myself: Have I been left behind? No in the rapture sense....I mean in life. I can honestly say I can count on one hand how many of my friends are not married with children. Some are even divorced. And some have even moved on to husband number two. I look over past relationships and although that is, at times, dangerous ground to walk on, I can honestly say it is not about the guys anymore. It is not about "the one who got away" or "I should have worked harder with that one." It is not about the people. It is about the place in life. It is not that I have been against relationships. I have been in relationships I thought would lead to marriage. I just keep looking for that one-the one you "just know" is the right one. Have I missed something? Is that just a fairy tale? And if I haven't missed it, and it is just "not my time" why do I feel like I am two steps behind where I should be in life? Am I alone in feeling this way or does it just seem that way because of where I live. I am content without an abundance of material things. I don't care if I have he newest electronics or car. To be honest, if I had even an ounce of storage space, I would still be happy in my shoebox apartment. But because I am where I am in life and everyone else is where everyone else is in life, I feel like I SHOULD care about these things. I should have something to show for myself after "all these years." Someone please tell me I am not crazy! | | |
| I can't believe how quickly this year has gone by. I realize it is not even half over, but it feel like it should still be February! But it is May and the students are in the last week of finals. I am finishing up my thesis study and we are all getting ready for graduation. I have to admit, it is both a stressful and exciting time to be on a college campus. My high school studnets at church are getting ready for prom and getting stressed about those 10 page papers. Having been through 7 years of college (undergrad and grad.), I dream of 10 pages! They are funny. I love hearing about their summer plans and admit I get a little jealous of laying by the pool and taking trips. Still, I am glad for this season of life. I am glad that I get to see how others choose to use their time and cringe at some of the decisions. Maybe I am just a little contemplative today! | | |
| Well, I am home in Ohio for a week and so far it has been really good, but very cold!! I got to spend some time with Steph on my way up. My sister and brother-in-law were already here and it was good to hang out with them. My parents bought a Wii as an early Christmas to each other, so we have spent some quality family time trash talking each other in Mariocart-good clean Holiday fun! Ha ha! I am hanging out with some old high school friends tomorrow and I am hoping to see a few more before the week is out. God has been gracious this week. He has settle my heart and given me a compassionate heart for several individuals in my life-a friend, who just found out she and her new husband have lost custody of the kids, a HS friend who just found out she has cancer, families struggling financially realize this is much of the US this year and I realize how blessed I am to not be in fear of losing my job. As a side note, I can't help but wonder...Who from France is reading my blog?? Not that I really mind, but it would still be nice to know... Identify yourself my French friend!! Here's to being cozy and blessed at Christmas-I hope you are all enjoying riches such as these! | | |
| I am on my way back from Florida. We went down for to spend Thanksgiving with my sister and brother-in-law. I love it down there. I feel healthier and more alive. I don't know if it is the sun or the beach or maybe it is just being way, but there is a sense of freedom I feel when I am there that I just don't feel at home. I feel like I am heading back to a cage. I am not sure why...it just feels so stuffy-like I am being suffocated slowly. There were so many thoughts I had while I was down there-even if I had written while I was there, I don't think a blog or two could have contained all my thoughts. I got to see an old friend from High School. We met for lunch and got the chance to talk for a few hours. I remember when our biggest problem was finding something to do on Friday night, or studying for AP Chem. Now we talked about real issues-financial trouble, loneliness, the rut of routine. It is funny to realize hat we have actually grown up. Our spirits still seem so fun-loving and we still have the desire to be oblivious to any sense of responsibility-either daily living or for choices we make. It seemed like everything could be fixed back then, but it is so much harder to fix our mistakes now-most the time the best we can hope for is to make something good with the aftermath of our choices. At the same time, it was good to know that in all this, we could still find comfort and a sense of home in each other even after not talking for months and not seeing each other in a year. In the end, it allowed us to still live as kids again. I loved seeing my step-nieces. I call them step only to clarify my next train of thought because truly I love them as though they have been my nieces all along. I watch my brother-in-law closely while they were with us (they go back and forth between mom and dad). He adores those girls. You could see it in his eyes and his attentiveness. You could tell by the way he held them and spoke to them. But there was something else there too. He was sad. There was a pain in his eyes that it had come to this: that he only got to be with them a few days a week. There was a sense that he wishes things had been different. Not that he regrets the divorce. It is very clear that he and his ex are on completely different pages-and he is crazy about my sister. No, I don't think he regrets the marriage situation, but I think he is sad for what the girls are having to experience. I think he is afraid of the hurt and confusion they may experience from being torn between two homes and two families. I have a great respect for him and the efforts he is making to prevent as much of this as he can...but he couldn't hide the fear and sadness in his eyes. As I watched him, I wished I had the talent to capture it in a photo or a drawing. That may sound kind of sick to want to capture that kind of emotion, but to me, it is those emotions that expressed the greatest love for another person. I got the chance to spend some time with God last night. I am working through a book about healing-I guess it is long overdue. It has been hard. It has reopened wounds and forced me to face some of the mistakes I have made in trying to use my own band-aids instead of letting God just do it in the first place. I feel strong right now, but I am also very conscious of my frailty. I am sad to be going home. I miss my job and some friends, but I am sad. Maybe it is time for a change....maybe not. Here's to thought provoking vacations...and holidays with family and friends-after all, isn't that what it is about anyway? | | |
| I have been on the road for about two months. I am tired and feel a step behind the rest of the world right now. I think the worst part is that when I get so worn out, I get so emotional and sentimental. I don't know if this is a normal girl thing or just me, but that is just how it is. I cry over silly things or songs. I feel lonely. And I am jealous of those who have someone. Even though I wouldn't have much time to spend with them, it would be nice just to have someone to say goodnight to. I see myself like I am watching me from the outside. I see me crawling back into my comfort zone. I put on the happy face for those I don't want to let inside and I know that I am in danger of putting up permanent walls again. I see it and I can feel myself screaming to stop, but I can't...or at least, I don't. I am just too tired to fight myself. I guess I better get some rest while I can.... Here's to real rest and resisting emotions. | | |
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